Feb. 20th, 2013

[identity profile] amethysting.livejournal.com

Use Me
Bill Withers
Still Bill

I think I have avoided writing this post because--like all writing that forces me to be self-reflective and honest--it is a difficult undertaking that may result in discomfort.  Avoidance tends to be my go-to method when faced with a potentially uncomfortable situation.  Case-in-point: sex.

Relationships and/or sex was something Gilda often brought up.  This would inevitably lead to me squirming in my seat, avoiding eye-contact and leaving with an anxious feeling gnawing at the pit of my stomach.  I don't know if this profound discomfort was a result of inexperience or disinterest, but sex was definitely not something that I wanted to discuss.

I think what makes sex an uncomfortable topic (for me anyway--though I am not as anxious about it as I used to be) is that it involves a considerable amount of "letting go".  Releasing my white-knuckled grip on control in any situation is not always easy, but not impossible.

I picked Bill Withers's "Use Me" because it is fun; overtly "sexy" (the baow, baow, abow of the music lends itself to a sexy vibe, haha) without being...raunchy (um, despite the fact that it is about a guy who doesn't mind being used for sex, haha).  It was one of the first songs that I thought of when I saw this theme, but I am not entirely sure why.  The lyrics do not reflect what I want from a relationship, at all.  Maybe that's the point?  I don't know.  Maybe all I can ask of myself at this point is that I continue exploring my feelings towards sex...maybe just thinking about it is another step in the ongoing process of letting go.
[identity profile] cabaretlights.livejournal.com

Take You Higher (Radio Edit)
Goodwill & Hook N Swing
Take You Higher

: I was putting off and putting off writing this post, because the stone truth is that sex makes me pretty uncomfortable. But, weirdly, I can't quite put my finger on why. I can talk, with basically anyone, about everything from blowjobs to BDSM without blushing. I have never shied from porn or explicit content, and I have (artsy?) posters & postcards of naked people (well, mostly women) all over my walls. To the outside observer, I look like a woman perfectly comfortable with her sexuality.

But I'm not. I'm endlessly confused and frustrated and questioning and sometimes it emotionally hurts and sometimes it makes me ANGRY and sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I want to pick up a book instead. I know a lot about myself -- what I like, what I believe, what I value, what I want. I just can't translate any of that into a sexual context.

I'm growing up, though, in a way I never thought possible, and I'm confronting the sexual part of myself that was quiet for a very, very long time. Well, in full honesty -- it actually might be that this part prefers being quiet. I don't think I will ever be one of those people who desperately NEEDS SEX and will feel an urgent desire to get fucked in a bathroom -- though I can't say it's an unappealing prospect, if I ever initiate an act like that, chances are the reason won't be because I have a physical urge to do it. It will be experiential, or emotional, or because the music in the club hit me hard, or because my head is spinning. It will not be because my body needs it.

So there were all these songs I considered posting, and they were all from my adolescence. I wanted to post a goth-industrial song, something raw and Puncture Vine-y, with swirling female vocals and throbbing beats and penetrating synths. And innuendo aside, I just couldn't settle on a song. I couldn't bring myself to post something like that. I had a throwaway post half-prepared, this is what sex was to me when i was a kid, but that's not really accurate. It's more that this is what i thought sex should be like when i was a kid, this is what would play in the background of a scene in a movie, this is what sex is like in my head.

And it's not that that would be disingenuous, but it wouldn't be relevant.

I don't really understand sex, and I am only slowly coming to terms with what I really, really feel about it -- but I know that the physical act does not take place in my head. But if you'd said that to me a couple years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and replied that I didn't need it and the mental gratification I got from physically experiencing books, media, was more potent anyway -- at least for me. I wouldn't have been wrong, either -- but I would have been missing the point. I don't think I DO need sex, as an individual. That doesn't mean it isn't...


This song has been a favourite of mine since last year around this time. Blasting it in the car, blaring it on my headphones, dancing to it in my bedroom; it never failed to elicit a response. And all those hard, raw, visceral sex songs I thought of posting --- they pale in comparison to this one.
It's softer, but only sometimes. It's a little rough, but only when it needs to be. It's beautiful, and it builds, and it's still got the thought process that I haven't yet escaped. It's got lyrics and meaning and some uncertainty, some doubt. I can't yet post a song that turns me on, because songs don't turn me on, even if I recognize that they maybe should or could. I need a song that echoes how I hesitate, even if I know what I want, even if I enjoy it -- a song that is a little less obvious -- and a song that recognizes the fact that sex is about a partnership; two people engaging in something striking, private. "Take You Higher" isn't a song about fucking; it's a song about the moment before -- and specifically, about two people IN the moment before. It's the anticipation, the desire -- he wants to take her for that jet plane ride. She drives him crazy. He's asking a question:
"Can I take you, take you higher?"
You can predict it, maybe, but the outcome is ultimately uncertain.
And that makes me feel so very alive.


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