[identity profile] cabaretlights.livejournal.com

Play That Dirty Girl
Atomic Tom
The Moment

: Marketable technology is not made to last, but my four-and-a-half-year-old little iPod tries her best. She proudly lights up, silver on the outside and furiously whirring on the inside, trying her best to respond to my commands. She still shuffles along, but she can...lag a bit, these days. "Volume up. No, up -- OW, down, down, OW, OW." One of her favourite tricks is to not respond when I hit "next."I'm standing/sitting there looking like a moron trying to find that exact spot to please her, pressing harder/softer/a different place, and she just happily continues playing whatever song she's playing. Then, when I finally find that nanometre pressing spot, she skips ten times and I give up. I guess she's getting cantankerous in her old age. But -- often, with age comes wisdom. And I don't know if I believe in fate, and I definitely don't believe an iPod is the key to unlocking it, but sometimes...well.

Last night I got back from Winnipeg, and I could have died I was so happy to be alone. I've been feeling that, recently. It's been a really unique few weeks. I feel like the past two years are slipping into place in a very strange, very new way -- I feel like I am starting to accept the new directions in which my life needs to go, to sustain me but also to sustain my passion. I have returned to music as a hobby, I have reminded myself that I need at least one or two nights to myself a week, and I have once again started feeling really, really intensely for music, media, and books. !!! Very exciting -- there is more to say, but my head is chaos right now -- just the way I like it, but so differently to the way I remember it being (and that has made all the difference).

Anyway, cryptic/inarticulable life-musings aside, last night I poured myself a big glass of wine and caught up on Facebook (my friends), made a new cover photo (ART! I won't even broach that topic), listened to music (but more than that, independently remembered specific songs I needed to listen to -- that feeling of needing to listen to certain music -- THAT'S something I haven't felt much for ages), and felt light, lifted. I went to bed with my iPod and wanted to preserve that feeling, so I was rapid-skipping through songs on shuffle trying to find the ~perfect~ one, and then it landed on "Play That Dirty Girl" and I hit next -- but my little iPod soundly refused. "Next. Next. Next." Atomic Tom is one of those alternative-rock bands whose music I know I'd love, but never really get into. I discovered them in 2011 with their great track "Collide," and The Moment was one of those albums on my iPod I always. mean. to listen to. But never do. Maintain my blissed-out mood? Ha! I need something I know! But -- there was no nanometre of a spot. I gave up.

And who knows, maybe it was fate.

Because before I knew it, I was vibrating.
Just like I used to.
My stomach clenching, my bloodstream trying to pump out of my veins, my heart frantic, barely able to stop myself from biting my fingers.
Entirely different feelings provoking it, some of which I have no idea what they are or where they came from or if they will ever come back.
And at 1:29 ("And you're dancing on the table, looking like a good time / Raising all the eyebrows / Smooth as a bottle of red wine"), I launched myself up onto my knees in bed, knee-dancing (it's a thing), grinning, ecstatic.

I was old me, but inspired completely by new me.

I love this song, but it was the moment I heard it that mattered. And I think that's the takeaway -- at least right now -- in all this ----- the moment. Some moments have passed. Trying to get back to them is impossible, and I realized that awhile ago. What I didn't realize is that there are a whole lifetime of moments waiting for me. And maybe the stimuli have changed, but that in no way means my reaction has to. It doesn't mean I have to stop defining my philosophy by emotion so strong I literally can't help but dance, or scream.
And for the first time in so long, I feel like I am connecting to myself, slipping back into something chaotic and visceral, something I had made peace with losing.
Different avenues, different inspirations, different ways. New outcomes, new feelings, new things to explore and learn -- about everything, and about myself, too. There is a confluence happening in my head/heart right now -- I feel things shifting, exploding, dancing.
This song excites me.
I don't know if I thought any new song would, this way, ever again.

Thanks, little iPod.


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March 2014

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