fifty-one.

Jan. 18th, 2012 11:17 pm
[identity profile] cabaretlights.livejournal.com


Wonderful Submission [ZiLioNAuT Mashup]
Artist: Hurts vs Delphic
Album: N/A
Year: 2010
: Ah, the mashup. A simultaneously overused and underrated form of music. I talked about how I respond to the layers of a mashup a bit in my Fusion post, so I won't repeat it -- but oh my god, except to say, the layers. I love them so much. It's why I felt a homemade graphic was especially appropriate for this post (regardless of the fact that there isn't actually an image associated with this song).

I love this particular mashup desperately -- I found it on/ripped it from Youtube, right when it was posted, luck of a random click! -- and I think it's one of the most seamless I've ever heard. This was, actually, the first time I heard Hurts (who I've enjoyed increasingly over time), as well as Delphic. Both of the individual songs are great, though I much prefer Delphic's "Submission" to Hurts' "Wonderful Life", but together they create something magical. Unbelievable. Something that chugs, in that way that I'm really realizing I love -- separately, the songs sound nothing like a train, but together, at parts in the chorus, it sounds like the wheels of a train turning, turning, something moving, going, on its fucking way.

"Don't let go, never give up, it's such a wonderful life."

I spoke a bit, today, about how I'm becoming aware of a strange divide in myself. There's a person that I sometimes am who isn't...quite me. And it's not that she doesn't have all my loves, values, characteristics, thoughts. It's just that she doesn't feel the way I feel. She can't sleep the way I sleep. She doesn't have the same memories I do, she doesn't connect to music the same way -- though she does connect to music, just differently. She's the person I ignored for eight years as I built up associations with myself, crafting a very particular life based ---- increasingly ---- on a very particular entity.

I am two people: I am as much a mashup as this song.
But then there are days like today.
Days where I get a $500 Hydro bill, where I have to spend hours invigilating, where the weather is awful and the options seem limited,
and none of it matters, because I'm myself.
Days like this, I clench my stomach until I can't breathe, dig my nails into my skin until I bleed, dance around in circles and scream because there is so much in me that it has to get OUT or I will EXPLODE,
and I'm not a mashup: I'm just perfectly, kinetically, ecstatically me.

But these days are becoming fewer. Far between, sometimes. And I'm finally realizing that the 'me' I'd always defined myself as...needs shifting. Rearranging. Mashing up, perhaps.

A mashup brings two things together to create something new.
Sometimes it's abhorrent.
But sometimes it beats both originals.

So on a day when I feel so much myself, I'm posting a song that needs two pieces to be complete. I don't want anyone else to complete me -- but maybe that other girl, as emotionless as she seems, has something I'm..missing. I don't know if I'm ready to take the chance, but we'll see. After all...the result could be wonderful.

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