[identity profile] cabaretlights.livejournal.com

Air on the G String
Artist: Johann Sebastian Bach
Album: Orchestral Suite No. 3 in D Major
Year: ~1723
: I am dissociated.
I feel detached from everything, music included -- this October is not as kinetic as I'd hoped it would be. I feel lost, emotionless, completely out of sorts, like I'm floating through reality without actually touching it, feeling it.

I've felt this before. This is the low point.

To get out of this state, I've been voraciously consuming various types of media. I spent today marking (..amateur media counts too, hah); I read a book in less than 24 hours; I've been unzipping albums like candy; still -- nothing's really getting me. Even if a song hits hard on the first listen, when I return to it, it's already lost its power. Songs from Falls past that should make me explode are just another melody. I remember how I should be feeling, but I'm not actually feeling it.

And then there's Fringe.
I've said before that TV is a huge influence in my life, but sometimes I have to be reminded. TV is beyond comfort food -- it sets me apart, shifts me out of whatever bullshit I feel (or, as per these days, don't feel) in reality, and gives me something to hold onto. So I've been watching Fringe because it's brilliant, because the characters are fabulous, because scifi feels like home, but mostly because I cry my eyes out at every episode and feeling raw is better than feeling nothing.

Of course, because it's me and I'm a little nuts, I don't cry typically.
So when one of the characters started playing this particular Bach piece because "music with harmony [i.e. classical] allows you to think clearly, whereas dissonant music [i.e. rock] prevents that clarity of thought" ---- I started crying.

I love classical music. So, so much. It gets brushed aside because I also love lyrics and synths, but I will as happily attend the symphony as Osheaga -- thing is, it really does encourage that clarity of thought in a way that 'dissonant' music just doesn't. It harks back to pieces of neglected history, makes me feel fabulously antiquated, but cannot/does not distract (not that all 'dissonant' music distracts, quite the contrary -- just that with classical music, I tend to have to face the..music, so to speak).

The times I have felt strongest when listening to classical music include:
- writing in my mother's basement as a teenager
- waltzing in my bedroom to Shostakovich in cegep
- watching The Nutcracker in university
- driving with 99.5, alone at night
- and sitting in a church in Prague, by myself really for the first time, as tenuously connected to my emotions as I am tonight. I got through that; I'll get through this.

This particular piece comes up in popular culture again and again, because it strikes something deep and unignorable. And: when I am so lost in my own life that the music I love can't be my map -----
thank god those classical harmonies are safely under my skin.


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