one-hundred and eight (theme: sex)

[amethysting.livejournal.com]

Use Me
Bill Withers
Still Bill
1972

I think I have avoided writing this post because--like all writing that forces me to be self-reflective and honest--it is a difficult undertaking that may result in discomfort.  Avoidance tends to be my go-to method when faced with a potentially uncomfortable situation.  Case-in-point: sex.

Relationships and/or sex was something Gilda often brought up.  This would inevitably lead to me squirming in my seat, avoiding eye-contact and leaving with an anxious feeling gnawing at the pit of my stomach.  I don't know if this profound discomfort was a result of inexperience or disinterest, but sex was definitely not something that I wanted to discuss.

I think what makes sex an uncomfortable topic (for me anyway--though I am not as anxious about it as I used to be) is that it involves a considerable amount of "letting go".  Releasing my white-knuckled grip on control in any situation is not always easy, but not impossible.

I picked Bill Withers's "Use Me" because it is fun; overtly "sexy" (the baow, baow, abow of the music lends itself to a sexy vibe, haha) without being...raunchy (um, despite the fact that it is about a guy who doesn't mind being used for sex, haha).  It was one of the first songs that I thought of when I saw this theme, but I am not entirely sure why.  The lyrics do not reflect what I want from a relationship, at all.  Maybe that's the point?  I don't know.  Maybe all I can ask of myself at this point is that I continue exploring my feelings towards sex...maybe just thinking about it is another step in the ongoing process of letting go.