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Half Jack [Demo Version]
Artist: The Dresden Dolls
Album: S/T Demo
Year: 2001
♥: I had a few takes on the concept of "name" for this theme. There was, of course, my actual name...but "Jillian," "Jenevieve," and "Derby" -- and any spelling variations thereof -- are actually really difficult to find (well, in half-decent non-country songs, hah). Then I tried nicknames, specifically "Viva" -- which was my online handle when I was a teenager (get it, get it, 'Jenevieve', 'Viva'). There are no good covers of Coldplay's Viva La Vida, in case you were wondering. THEN I went even further with the online handle and tried to find a song that had both "cabaret" and "lights" in it. I found one!...and it was awful. No dice, though the rest of the album isn't half-bad -- if nothing else, this theme introduced me to a LOT of new artists!

Anyway, ultimately, I went with the first song that popped into my head when I saw the theme -- and though I know you already know it, there are things to say!

When I decided I liked cabarets, I decided I had to like the Dresden Dolls. I can't remember where I heard about them, but it was May 2005 when I picked up their first album. I died; it was perfect -- bouncy, catchy melodies and violent drums; something so new while being a throwback to something so old. That first album is still among my favourites, and they're the band I've seen live most often (three times). I'll never forget the words to Girl Anachronism; Missed Me and Slide are flawless love songs, to me; Sex Changes leaked exactly when I needed it. Though I have my issues with Amanda Palmer being a pretentious ~artiste~, I will never deny her talent as both musician and songwriter.

Half Jack is one of those songs that every Dresden Dolls fan loves. It's beautifully written -- the lyrics are gorgeous, there's that quiet intensity to Amanda Palmer's piano/voice that builds and builds to something explosive, the emotional impact is intense, and it's got all the cabaret punk a hipster kid could want. It is, objectively I think, a good song. But -- though I do love it -- I never had that INTENSE SPIRITUAL CONNECTION!!! to it that so many other fans seemed to have. It was a beautiful song and that was that.


In spending so much time trying to find a song for this week, though,
I think I've realized why everyone loves it so much.

While I frantically searched for songs with my name, Half Jack was playing on a loop at the back of my head.
And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
And I'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
On 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
I'm half Jill, and half Jack
And ultimately, nothing compared.

It's not a song about gender confusion, or at least, not really. I always knew that, but it took until this week for me to really understand it. It's a song about personal confusion, period; about knowing something is wrong inside you, but having no idea how to fix it -- or at least, not really. There is something invading who you are, destroying your self-concept, and where do you go from there? The line about being "so high not even you and all your love could bring me down" -- hits hard, right now. On a personal note though I won't really get into it: I keep catching glimpses of being "all Jill" (which is the baseline of the song, really -- she wants to get back to being completely Jill -- relates oh-so-nicely to the theme, no? "What's in a name" -- everything.). Though I know I'll get there eventually, it's been a struggle and I'm not done fighting yet. I am, at least, catching glimpses of the highs.

Anyway, the point is simply this: I finally get this song. I get that strange split-down-the-middle identity crisis, that feeling of solidarity for a reason I've never quite felt before. I also know that I'm getting to a point of no return and I feel it building, like the last bits of the song. See Jack run. I don't know where I'm going; I don't think anyone who loves this song does ------------ but I'm taking Half Jack with me, because it will help (as all music helps, as only music helps). And eventually: I'll get there, and be all Jill. Again.


Also: partially in the interest of you perhaps getting a new-ish song, but mainly because this version is rawer and somehow more touching -- I've uploaded the demo version. I love the way her voice is almost a caress, the quality of sound,
and how she shouts my name.