eighteen. [THEME: what's in a name?]

[cabaretlights.livejournal.com]

Half Jack [Demo Version]
Artist: The Dresden Dolls
Album: S/T Demo
Year: 2001
♥: I had a few takes on the concept of "name" for this theme. There was, of course, my actual name...but "Jillian," "Jenevieve," and "Derby" -- and any spelling variations thereof -- are actually really difficult to find (well, in half-decent non-country songs, hah). Then I tried nicknames, specifically "Viva" -- which was my online handle when I was a teenager (get it, get it, 'Jenevieve', 'Viva'). There are no good covers of Coldplay's Viva La Vida, in case you were wondering. THEN I went even further with the online handle and tried to find a song that had both "cabaret" and "lights" in it. I found one!...and it was awful. No dice, though the rest of the album isn't half-bad -- if nothing else, this theme introduced me to a LOT of new artists!

Anyway, ultimately, I went with the first song that popped into my head when I saw the theme -- and though I know you already know it, there are things to say!

When I decided I liked cabarets, I decided I had to like the Dresden Dolls. I can't remember where I heard about them, but it was May 2005 when I picked up their first album. I died; it was perfect -- bouncy, catchy melodies and violent drums; something so new while being a throwback to something so old. That first album is still among my favourites, and they're the band I've seen live most often (three times). I'll never forget the words to Girl Anachronism; Missed Me and Slide are flawless love songs, to me; Sex Changes leaked exactly when I needed it. Though I have my issues with Amanda Palmer being a pretentious ~artiste~, I will never deny her talent as both musician and songwriter.

Half Jack is one of those songs that every Dresden Dolls fan loves. It's beautifully written -- the lyrics are gorgeous, there's that quiet intensity to Amanda Palmer's piano/voice that builds and builds to something explosive, the emotional impact is intense, and it's got all the cabaret punk a hipster kid could want. It is, objectively I think, a good song. But -- though I do love it -- I never had that INTENSE SPIRITUAL CONNECTION!!! to it that so many other fans seemed to have. It was a beautiful song and that was that.


In spending so much time trying to find a song for this week, though,
I think I've realized why everyone loves it so much.

While I frantically searched for songs with my name, Half Jack was playing on a loop at the back of my head.
And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
And I'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
On 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
I'm half Jill, and half Jack
And ultimately, nothing compared.

It's not a song about gender confusion, or at least, not really. I always knew that, but it took until this week for me to really understand it. It's a song about personal confusion, period; about knowing something is wrong inside you, but having no idea how to fix it -- or at least, not really. There is something invading who you are, destroying your self-concept, and where do you go from there? The line about being "so high not even you and all your love could bring me down" -- hits hard, right now. On a personal note though I won't really get into it: I keep catching glimpses of being "all Jill" (which is the baseline of the song, really -- she wants to get back to being completely Jill -- relates oh-so-nicely to the theme, no? "What's in a name" -- everything.). Though I know I'll get there eventually, it's been a struggle and I'm not done fighting yet. I am, at least, catching glimpses of the highs.

Anyway, the point is simply this: I finally get this song. I get that strange split-down-the-middle identity crisis, that feeling of solidarity for a reason I've never quite felt before. I also know that I'm getting to a point of no return and I feel it building, like the last bits of the song. See Jack run. I don't know where I'm going; I don't think anyone who loves this song does ------------ but I'm taking Half Jack with me, because it will help (as all music helps, as only music helps). And eventually: I'll get there, and be all Jill. Again.


Also: partially in the interest of you perhaps getting a new-ish song, but mainly because this version is rawer and somehow more touching -- I've uploaded the demo version. I love the way her voice is almost a caress, the quality of sound,
and how she shouts my name.

Comments

i wait too long and then my comments become MONOLITHS

[amethysting.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is going to make sense and I feel an in-person conversation is necessary, but I'm going to give it a go.

I think something that is interesting about this community, and about the idea of sharing songs, is the way I listen to these songs and how that can change. Or, maybe I man how I can change or feel a different way and then the song seems like it should have always been a part of my bones and veins and cells and how strange that I wasn't ready for this song a few weeks ago.

I discovered The Dresden Dolls when I heard Coin-Operated Boy. I thought it was so delightfully cheeky and different...I seem to remember that I first heard it on an online college radio station out of Boston, but the music video is really stuck in my mind too, so I'm not sure. Anyway, I had never heard Half-Jack BECAUSE for some reason I only bought Coin-Operated Boy and Girl Anachronism from iTunes and not the entire album. (Fuck man, aside on Girl Anachronism...Jesus...I can SEE myself listening to that song..."You can tell by the scars on my arms [...] Don't get me wet/Because the bandages will all come off [...] I don't necessarily believe there is a cure for this/So I might join your century but only as a doubtful guest").

I'm happy you posted the demo version...there's something about her voice. Especially at the end. "See Jack run" comes out like a sob. And the the words...I like that they are both clear and muffled, I like that sometimes when she says Jill it sounds vaguely like Jack. I like the rhymes, they are smooth but also kind of jolting...I like that so many aspects of this song are two things at once...two halves, two threads.

"Half accidental
half pain
full instrumental
I have a lot to think about"

and

"I'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause i'm not big enough to house this crowd"

kill me.

There is something invading who you are, destroying your self-concept, and where do you go from there?

I don't know either. And I feel myself going around and around in circles trying to make sense of it. I probably won't any time soon, but this song does help. Thank you for sharing it.

Re: i wait too long and then my comments become MONOLITHS

[amethysting.livejournal.com]

Okay, like so not necessary to add this now, BUT

I love that "joking" sounds like "choking".

I love that this song sounds a little different every time I listen to it.