sixty-three.

[cabaretlights.livejournal.com]

Tapes
Alanis Morissette
Flavors of Entanglement
2008

♥: The first time I heard this song, I was in Prague. Almost exactly three years ago. First trip alone. Feeling separate, feeling desolate. I was leaving my hotel, which sat proudly on the banks of the Vltava, right beside the Charles Bridge; staring down at slick, dark grey cobblestones, breathing in the scent of Prague in spring, after a fresh burst of rain. I'd written this album off as modern-Alanis schmaltz, but it was still on my iPod for some reason, and this song shuffled up, and my heart plummeted.

This song: pure nostalgia. Oh how I wish I was back in Prague. Oh how I miss that time, the person I was, the things I was fighting for as I wandered the city with House of Leaves and my steel-toe boots.

Except that I can't post anything other than this today, because there's never been a Wednesday where a song more perfectly represented how I feel.

(Part of it is that I miss Prague, yes. But last night I came home and I sobbed. Huge body-wracking sobs, like I haven't in at least a year, the kind I can always stop myself from doing because I convince myself that everything's going to be fine and it's not worth crying over. "I'm strong! I'm better than this!" Right. Linds and Meg were texting me and telling me to come out, get a drink, "we care, we care", but I just can't convince myself that anyone ever really cares -- and this is not fishing, I know you care and I know other people care, but knowing and believing something are completely different things. Anyway I felt better, cathartic, almost immediately afterwards; I guess it had been building up for a long time. I'm just not entirely sure why.)

I'm too exhausting to be loved / A volatile chemical.
But it's more the music than the lyrics; this isn't a total self-pity party, hah. And despite how badly it breaks my heart, I do think this is a very beautiful song.

Comments

[amethysting.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think it is a greater show of strength to be able to completely let your guard down like that--even if you're the only witness to that act or have no idea why you feel the way you do.

I wanted to comment straight-away, because this song is a bit of a punch in the stomach, eh? I don't have Flavors of Entanglement, so this is the first time I've encountered this song. I love what this song is about and the way Alanis says it. What stood out immediately was:

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

The idea that you can get lost in the inaccurate, negative thoughts that play on a loop in your head is one I can relate to. Sometimes all you want to do is press the "pause button" but, you can't even find it.

The music and Alanis' rising and falling voice after she sings the chorus a final time...is...I can only think of a trite word like "lovely". It doesn't quite describe that beauty-induced-nausea I experience every time I listen to it.

but I just can't convince myself that anyone ever really cares this ties into my whole we-only-have-and-can-only-depend-on-ourselves train of thought that I can get lost in. I don't know. Another conversation to follow and get tangled up in on another evening.

[cabaretlights.livejournal.com]

but I just can't convince myself that anyone ever really cares this ties into my whole we-only-have-and-can-only-depend-on-ourselves train of thought that I can get lost in. I don't know. Another conversation to follow and get tangled up in on another evening.
Yeah. I've been thinking about that a lot since you said it. I used to think that way, unequivocally, and I think perhaps I don't anymore, despite this post, and I can't quite decide if I wish I did? Opening yourself up really fucking sucks, sometimes.

Punch in the stomach, definitely. Glad this was new for you and that you think it's beautiful :) (or, edit, sorry, that you think that part is beautiful, anyway! heh)