5pm_weds | eighty-seven.

What I Feel
Artist: Pony Pony Run Run
Album: You Need Pony Pony Run Run
Year: 2009
♥: There have been many times when -- when leaving a social to-do -- I end up on the bus, fighting tears. It happens to everyone: despite good conversation, good company, some topic or another takes a turn for the worse and you end up locked in your own head. "Quebec politics" or "I love City X" becomes 'Am I going to stay in the same city forever? Am I going to lose all my friends to some nomadic impulse I'm not sure I have?'; "My job" becomes 'Am I happy with mine, really? Will I have the chance to do what I know I'm meant to?' And then you question yourself and you wonder and not only can you not have a good time, you start second-guessing every decision you've made. The plight of the self-reflective person.

But there are other times, when I take the bus home -- last Tuesday being one of them -- when I can't keep the grin off my face. And even in the midst of some rocky emotional times, some rocky topics of conversation, I was happy. I had just spent a few hours wandering Montreal, reading Elliot Perlman and really feeling it. I felt like myself, like things outside of me didn't have the effect they'd had the day before, like I was internally connected. And however long that would last: the feeling of beaming up at the stars through an open window on the 24 stirred something. A memory, maybe; hope, definitely.

I discovered this band this week, and they were instant -- fully my electropop style. This song/album was playing all Tuesday, as I found V's birthday present and read The Street Sweeper while drinking a spectacular decaf cappucino, and again as I took that bus ride home. It was only afterwards that I realized how apt the lyrics were.

"I just wanted to stay where I live, inside ---

baby I'm with you
no I don't want it to go
baby I want you
I don't wanna hide
Inside"

I will be coming to terms with myself for a lifetime. There will be moments of despair and moments of clarity, songs that accompany both. This one, despite its honest, all-too-close-to-home message (I will have to change, I can't go back, and not only that: I don't even want to, anymore -- but that's yet another thing with which to come to terms) ---- accompanies a moment of bliss.